Hello again everyone. Not sure how many look at my blog but I guess it really doesn't matter. I'm just hear to speak and hope someone hears me. Well the past week has been a very interesting one. Involved a dog that won't stop shitting indoors, an emergency room visit, wasted concert tickets, a whole lot of boredom and pondering.

Have you ever been sitting somewhere and suddenly stepped outside of yourself and looked around? I did that this past week. I haven't done that in more than a few years. It used to help me keep perspective on what was important and wasn't and what was best and not. I didn't realize how big of a hole I had fallen into. It wasn't all at once either. I slipped down it rather slowly so that I didn't really notice it. I fell into the whole trap of well things could be worse. Instead of trying to get up from what knocked me down. I want to apologize to those I hurt and brought down with me.

It happens slow and fast. A year sounds like a long time when your 18. Two years later and all of a sudden your wondering how you got where you are so fast. Not always in a good place either. I wake up sometimes and think, "Didn't I just turn 18 last week?" Movies that I remember as coming out not that long ago are actually over 10 years old. I know to someone whos a little older than me this seems really trivial but it happens to us all. The steady progression of time that we take for granted is all that we have and we can't go back on. It's time I stop looking back with regret and start looking forward with some enthusiasm. A lot of time may have passed but I'm still young damnit.

Having that enthusiasm has been a real challenge for me lately. Now that I've realized how deep the hole I'm in is. The one thing I didn't realize until a little later is how much deeper it was. I finally recognized how much I've filled and how fast I did it. The hold doesn't seem that deep now. If I can fill this much this fast and get back up to a level playing field then it shouldn't be a problem to go even higher. I know it sounds cheesy but it helps me though the day. I think I worked with the king of cliche's for too long.

I also recognized who the real friends and family were in my life. You know the ones that never leave your side no matter how bad you wrong them or how much you hurt them. There are two very special women in my life that have done more than all the rest combined. My mother of course is one of them. It must be some kind of genetic trigger that allows a mother to see good in her offspring no matter how bad they are doing. She helped me through stuff that I wont' even repeat they are so embarassing. But even through all the bad shit she still has faith that I'll end up doing the right thing. I never understood what mothers love was until then. Thanks for everything mom.

The other woman is someone who was there at the beginning of my down fall. She saw a lot of promise in me and saw me for who I was and what I could be. She loved me no matter what was going on around her or how bad I had been to her. I'm not talking violence or abuse just things that most people know not to do. I know her mind and intelligence told her to leave me alone and let me screw up on my own but something kept her near. No matter what her family and friends said she was always there for me no matter what happened. I always knew she was special because I have never loved anyone the way I love her. I just didn't understand how much she loved me. I thought she did certain things because she didn't care but that wasn't it. She just didn't want to hear the negativity that people would say about me. I'm sorry I didn't understand why you did what you did but I think I got it now. I just want to tell you if your reading this that I apologize for any pain or problems I caused you. I don't think theres anyway I could possibly thank you for always being there for me and for loving me when I thought no one could. I would do anything to help lessen the burdens that you carry that no one else knows about. Thats why I do the things that I do for you.

You never have to ask me to do anything, just say it and I'll help you as much as I can. It's the least I can do for you. Don't ever worry about returning the favor or try to make it up to me. You don't need to, it's just my way of saying thanks and I love you.

There is one person that I recognized wanted to do more for me but couldn't. Dad I know you wanted to help me out more than you did. Sometimes I wish you could have but shit happens. I just want to say thanks for the stuff you did do and the times you were there. I guess it's just part of having to live with two different families. I'm sorry I don't see you as much as I should. I was just mad at you for a while because of the things that I wish I could have been there for in your life. I thought staying away would make it all even but it doesn't. I don't want to be mad at you anymore. You did what you could with what you had. I know you would always give me whatever you had to give and then some I just needed to stop comparing it too what everyone else had. Thanks for everything pops I'll stop being an ass now.

To all the rest of the family thanks for believing in me and making sure I always knew right from wrong. Of course I can't forget step dad. You taught me how to be a man even if I didn't want to hear the lesson sometimes. You always put a foot to my ass when I would fuck up and kept an arm around me when I would do something right. You taught me more than I think you could ever possibly know. Not a day goes by that I don't thank god you were there when it mattered most.

I think today will be a day I start out with a new outlook on my life. The old way wasn't exactly working for me. Now to close with some funny stuff. I was messing with someone the other day and took away their cell phone. You would've thought I had just ripped her only child out of her arms. She looked at me in stunned silence for a moment and finally asked me to giver her her phone back. I said no, she looked at me like she was going to put her fist through my head. I told her no that she was on it a lot lately and didn't want to give it back to her. She went into a short rant about why I was such an ass for taking her phone away and reasons why she was on it. I finally gave her back the phone when it appeared she was on the brink of sending me home with no chance of coming back. I asked her what the hell would you do if someone took your phone away and never let you have another one. She straight told me she would die. The fucked up part of it was that she wasn't lying....lol Funny how we become dependent on what was once a convenience. Well thats all for me. Have a great day everyone.